Luke's System
by notsusan
Summary: A day in the life of Luke's system. The keep-Jess-from-defiling-Rory-system, guaranteed to increase the heart rate of only the parent making multiple trips upstairs and not the hormone filled teenagers within his care. Patent pending. Literati, one shot


A/N: Set after Happy Birthday, Baby and before Keg, Max!, Gilmore Girls does not belong to me

Rory walked into the diner with her backpack even though it was a Saturday. She came prepared to do homework but since her study partner for the day was Jess, she made sure to carve out a slot in her schedule tomorrow morning to finish what she knew wouldn't get done today. The Saturday morning diner crowd was sparse so it wasn't surprising that she spotted Luke behind the counter.

"Hey, Luke I'm going to head upstairs," she said to Luke as she ducked behind the curtain.

"Ok, let me know when you want some food."

 _10 minutes later…_

"Oops I forgot my pocketknife," announced Luke as he bounded open the door with no advance warning. He made sure to keep his head bowed down initially in case he saw the pair in a compromising position. Sure enough as he looked up he saw that Rory was quickly moving away from Jess and heading to the couch as Jess remained in the kitchen. Luke heard his nephew sigh as he moved under the sink to retrieve his pocketknife from the box he kept there containing all the items that made up his system. The keep-Jess-from-defiling-Rory-system, guaranteed to increase the heart rate of only the parent making multiple trips upstairs and not the hormone filled teenagers within his care. Patent pending.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Oops I'm out of ones."

"Hey, Luke? Do you have the chocolate donuts with the chocolate sprinkles today?" Rory asked attempting to disguise her discomfort that Luke had walked in on them kissing twice in a row.

"Yeah you want me to bring some up?" Luke had stuck his head under the sink as soon as he made sure all PG-13 activities had stopped.

"Yes, please"

"Ok just give me a few minutes," said Luke.

"Exactly 10 minutes?" Rory smiled.

Luke wasn't even annoyed that Rory was making fun of his system because now he didn't have to use another item in the box as an excuse to come up here in 10 minutes.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Hey I brought the donuts and some coffee."

"Thanks Luke," said Rory grabbing the chocolate donut with the most sprinkles.

"Um what's with the old fashion donuts?" asked Rory, making a face at the plain donuts.

"Those are for Jess," said Luke.

"You prefer old fashion donuts?" she said turning to her boyfriend.

"What? They're good," said Jess, reaching for a donut.

"What do you like most about them, that they're tasteless or that they're boring?"

"Old fashion donuts go best with black coffee," said Jess through a mouthful of donut.

"Whatever grandpa."

 _10 minutes later…_

"Hey I just came up to get the mugtree to hold some extra cups," said Luke opening the door as Rory jump out of Jess' arms.

Well giving them caffeine and sugar was clearly a mistake, they have obviously got too much energy, thought Luke.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Oops, sorry. I need the tiny waffle iron," said Luke as Rory and Jess sprang apart.

"Kirk is insisting on the tiny waffles and you know how he can get all riled up," rambled Luke as he attempted to make this awkward situation more bearable. He only succeeded in drawing more attention to the awkwardness.

"Amazing how no matter what time it is, when Rory has been here for exactly 50 minutes Kirk always insists on tiny waffles," said Jess in mock disbelief.

"Well, maybe one day science will explain the miracle that is Kirk's digestive system. Till then I'll be here, looking for the tiny waffle iron." And you will be there, separated from Rory by a good 6 inches, thought Luke.

 _8 minutes later…_

"You guys see my wrist watch up here?" Luke yelled as he bounded through the door two minutes earlier than expected. Sometimes he had to make sure they weren't getting too used to the 10 minute increments so they would keep expecting him to come in at any moment.

To Luke's relief, they were both reading on opposite ends of the couch. Jess even had headphones on.

"You okay Luke?" Asked Rory, looking up from her homework.

"Yeah I'm great."

Yes I actually am great, thought Luke, because this is exactly how it's supposed to be. The two of them sitting on opposite ends of the couch, not touching. Now if only the door was open at all times and Jess' hands were tied behind his back, Luke could relax. He smiled to himself thinking about how well his system was working. It wasn't until he got downstairs that he started to overthink his good mood. Could this be too good to be true? Were they messing with him? Luke tried to maintain his good mood by reassuring himself that he would be back up there in ten minutes and nothing could happen in ten minutes. His mood soured as he thought of Lorelai's warning a few weeks ago; there really was no winning with teenagers.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Hey, you see a case of mustard up here?" Luckily neither one of them was paying attention to that one. I really need to find something else to fill the seventh slot, thought Luke.

"There is no comparison between _Hunky Dory_ and _Ziggy_ ," said Jess.

"I'm not saying it's better than _Ziggy_ I'm just saying it's really good. Come on, _Queen Bitch_?"

"What'd you call me?" said Jess smirking at Rory.

"Here you listen to _Hunky Dory_ and I'll listen to _Ziggy_ ," said Rory grabbing the second pair of headphones.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Hey, one of the picture frames broke, just came to get a replacement for that photo of…" Luke's sentence petered out as he realized that neither of the two teenagers could hear him. They couldn't hear him because they both had headphones on and even worse they were kissing and even worse than that they were still kissing even though he had been in the room for 15 awkward seconds.

Luke cleared his throat loudly.

"Yeah just came to get another frame," he yelled. The two teenagers were oblivious as they continued making out. Luke wondered if he would have to throw something at Jess soon because he couldn't keep allowing this to happen, especially not while he was in the room.

Luke tried to avoid looking at the pair while at the same time trying to get their attention. Finally, he opened and slammed the door extra hard, pretending like he had just gotten there. Rory looked as mortified as Luke felt and Jess glared at him, clearly annoyed.

"Ok so I just came up for a picture frame. I'm gonna go look for that now," Luke's attempt at acting normal garnered blank stares from Rory and Jess. Well at least they've moved away from each other while I'm here, thought Luke.

"Ok, I'm headed back down," said Luke getting out of the room as fast as he could now that they were no longer kissing.

That was a bad one, Luke thought as he braced against the railing. He needed a moment to recover from the sheer torture he had just gone through. Now in the safety of the diner's backroom, Luke cataloged the damage, was Jess' hand going up her shirt? No no no no don't think about that, Luke reprimanded himself. He ordered himself to think of a time when they didn't care about kissing or sex or even each other. He landed on an image of the pair as five year olds, five year olds who don't even know each other. Jess' favorite ninja turtle is Leonardo and Rory is scared of the giant rooster statue, Luke repeated in his head. The idea of them as children, separated by state lines gave him the sanity go and take Rabbi Baran's order.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Oh hey guys, seen an extra clean rag. Reverend Skinner dropped his banana split on the floor."

"Since when do you have banana splits on the menu?" Rory asked.

"I don't, but he asked and it's slow so I figured why not."

"You getting religious on us Luke?" teased Jess.

"Yes I expect good blessings from our patron saints Ben and Jerry," deadpanned Luke.

"I'm just saying you never make me banana splits." Jess made an exaggerated pouting face.

"Well you're not seven anymore and you didn't just finish one of your magic tricks."

"What?" exclaimed Rory, sensing the potential for an embarrassing story.

"Hey, it's not magic! It's sleight of hand and don't you have some ice cream to clean up?" Said Jess, flashing a warning look at Luke.

"You keep up that attitude I'll tell her about the cape," warned Luke.

Rory gasped, unable to pretend this wasn't hilarious anymore. "There was a cape? Oh my god, please tell me there was a top hat and a wand too!" she said doubling over in laughter.

"No there wasn't," said Jess in what he wished was a stern enough voice to end this conversation.

"I mean you never really stood a chance. Liz couldn't resist encouraging anything that involved a costume so when you started with the magic she was all for it," said Luke.

"It's sleight of hand!" said Jess angrily bowing his head hoping that when he looked up Luke would be gone.

"He said that when he was seven too," said Luke to Rory.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Oops. I think I left my pen up here last time," said Luke as the two teenagers reluctantly stopped kissing. Luke had hoped the embarrassing magic cape story would drive away thoughts of anything physical, no such luck.

 _10 minutes later…_

"Anyone see an extra order pad up here?"

"I can't believe you just said that," said Rory, not even noticing Luke had entered the room.

"You're just mad because you know I'm right," groaned Jess.

"Right is not the word that comes to mind," said Rory narrowing her eyes at him.

"It's true. What's with all the dashes and unnatural pauses? It's like she's constantly interrupting herself. Just say whatever you're trying to say already."

"Oh yeah, because reading the rest of the eight line poem is really going to test your patience."

"Just because Emily Dickinson was badass recluse doesn't mean I have to like her poetry."

"That's exactly why you should like her poetry!"

"I'm sorry she was stuck in the 19th century and had to work so hard to give the middle finger to the establishment but can't she just come out and say fuck you instead of making me do it."

"You're so stubborn about poetry, why can't you just admit you like it?"

"I admit it when I like it, like _Howl_."

Okay, talking about books, that's nothing with the potential to turn inappropriate thought Luke, tuning out the rest of their conversation to look for the order pad he left in the box. It wasn't until he turned around he realized he should have been paying closer attention to the teenagers.

"Oh geez!" Luke screwed his eyes shut for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He couldn't believe they had started kissing in the ten seconds he had his back turned.

"Oh, hi Luke when did you get here?" asked Rory sheepishly.

"Hey don't look at me, she kissed me first." said Jess, he wasn't even trying to conceal his grin.

 _10 minutes later…_

Luke made his way upstairs. He couldn't remember what he was pretending to look for at this point, he just knew ten minutes had passed. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Rory and Jess were talking. Now, he didn't have to bother acting like not only did he know the name of this plastic yellow thing but he also actually had a need for it. He kept whatever the yellow thing was in the rotation simply because it fit in the box and luckily Jess hadn't called him out on it yet.

"Philip Seymour Hoffman is reason enough," argued Jess.

"He's in the movie for like 10 minutes! I think you mean Frances McDormand is reason enough, but that doesn't matter because we are not watching Almost Famous for a fourth time," said Rory making sure her face was firm.

"Fine, _Reservoir Dogs_?" asked Jess, accepting defeat.

"And _High Fidelity_ ," said Rory, smiling at her victory.

"Deal."

 _10 minutes later…_

Luke was about to head upstairs claiming to look for an apron he hadn't wore since 1995 when he heard voices on the stairs.

"I don't think you're going to win this one. I come from a long line of Thai food haters. My mother hates Thai food, my grandmother, despite a two week trip to Thailand, hates Thai food. I don't know what she ate the entire time."

"Knowing your grandmother, she just survived off the tears of hotel concierges and if you haven't given red curry a try then you can't say you don't like Thai food," said Jess grabbing his jacket from the coat rack.

"Well, if all else fails that ear scene is definitely sure to get my appetite going," said Rory.

"We're going out," said Jess as he and Rory passed Luke on their way to the door.


End file.
